Dominant vs. Recessive

The heavens have opened and aided in cooling the temperature inside the home. Except for the present cicak (gecko) problem scuttling on my floor, the apartment looks very much lived in. There's a large cardboard box in the living room with its own cut-out roof and window where Sadia plays house with either one of us or her platoon of soft toys.

Toys are strewn on strategic corners of the living room, but mostly dwell in the guest cum toy room. The TV shows its typical black screen, indicating no Astro (Cable) reception as the rain continues pummeling down to earth.

The quietude that has lay in its wake calms my frayed nerves somewhat which badly need some kind of intervention or diversion, or both. Despite the cold ambiance, sleep eludes me as my mind tries to uncouple itself from incessant worries. Perhaps, if I just close my eyes, peaceful slumber will overtake me.

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My mother asked me when Sadia and I were staying with her last week whether Sadia is more afraid of me, or her dad. I couldn't give a definite answer, at least fast enough to convince her. I had wanted to say she's more afraid of her Yayah, but then there were moments when I struck the fear in her. So I ended up saying it is the former, but my lack of conviction proved otherwise to her. In parenting, she firmly believes that a child must fear one of his parents so as he would think twice before acting out of line. While this principle is great in theory, I have a problem emulating this parenting style. I feel if a child recoils from one parent, she would end up distancing herself from that parent. Instead of cultivating a close relationship with said parent, they would be more like strangers to one another. Something that hits closer to home.

I think what my mom had wanted to convey here is that the 'fear factor' equates to commendable respect for said parent. A feeling that engenders humility and obedience comes from a great, wholesome upbringing. A child should want to avoid misbehaving out of embarrassment for her parent(s), not because of being fearful of the consequences. However, for toddlers, I suppose the more effective and least confusing route of invoking fear is preferred to get them to toe the line.

Somehow the thought of putting the fear of God into one's child compels me to draw comparison to that of a marriage. Must one need to fear one's husband (or wife, if it strikes your fancy) in order to attain a harmonious relationship? Again, I think some people still mix fear up with respect. Mistaking the former for the latter, or vice versa.

While respect has to be earned, fear is an automatic reflex that occurs once the other person demonstrates his might - verbally or physically. In other words, it takes a long time for respect to evolve whereas a short-term frequency defines fear.

This brings me to a line of thought - a familiar refrain, if you will - that there has to be a dominant half and a recessive half for a marriage to work. The dominant partner will exert his influence and behaviour on the recessive partner who will succumb to his (or her) commands. The recessive partner's signature traits will be suppressed in the process, thus making way for a different psyche to emerge.

Whether it is to her detriment or her benefit is a different story altogether. For instance, I was surprised to discover that a strong-willed, self-possessed friend turned squishy and subservient following her nuptials. And there's one who became more frugal (read : penny-pinching) once getting hitched to an equally thrifty partner. On the positive side, one partner who was wild and crude was transformed into a docile creature under the 'tutelage' of a patient half.

To be sure, there are many permutations to this personality make-over which arose from a marriage, be it good or bad. One cannot expect to remain the same old person after undergoing one of life's important rites of passage. In essence, you are the same person, but certain behaviours will either be stymied or replicated for the sake of one's marriage (or if you will, one's peace of mind).

Again, I have a problem when people start pigeonholing a married couple into one that is dominant and another recessive. Naturally, that is what comes to one's mind upon seeing these people in action, especially when such a change is so glaring. It's part of human nature, I guess, to hastily draw a conclusion.

Instead of these labels, I suggest that we look to other more appealing adjectives, like sacrifice and compromise. After all, they are synonymous with the concept of marriage. That way, when one looks at a seemingly subservient wife or a outwardly submissive husband, one would keep those undue thoughts in check for there are many secret ingredients and controlling agents to whip up a great marriage.

For the sanctity of one's marriage, I believe some changes are better than never.