The sound of a rapid succession of fireworks echoing through the air fills me with a sense of nostalgia. Remembering the bygone years when a new year means a list of resolutions in earnest and a long-winding phone call to my beloved. Fast forward six years later, I'm keeping vigil in the bedroom with minimal lighting whilst my babies are fast asleep and my husband is burrowing his head inside a favourite book. A great many things have changed and, as can be expected, with them come sacrifices and casualties of a former lifestyle.
When Sadia entered into the picture a few years back, I had trouble grappling with the fact that there were now three of us in the household. I remember how I became engulfed with new responsibilities and duties and wondered whether I was cut out for motherhood. I was overwhelmed with the changes that seemed to hit me in the face like a tight slap. I had naively thought that somehow having a baby would adapt to my way of life, instead of the other way around. I remember not being prepared, mentally, emotionally and physically. And yet, despite and because of the misgivings and hiccups, I love Sadia with all my heart. Her doe-eyed expression, her cheeky laugh and adorable babbling are the highlights of my day.
Now that she's a toddler, I have to admit she does have a way (or many) of grating my nerves. I find myself sniggering and nodding in agreement to an observation which I stumbled upon at Babycentre where it describes a mother usually longs for her child's baby years as they seem relatively easier in comparison to the challenging, stressful and headache-prone toddler years. Without a doubt, Sadia's tantrums have predictably gotten worse in concurrence with the arrival of her cherubic baby brother. 
Remember I wrote that I was afraid that I might forget the smell of Sadia's hair and lose out having to devote more time on the new baby? Well, it is funny how things you wish wouldn't happen, happen anyway. A self-fulfilling prophecy, if you may. I was so caught up in taking care of Saeif - bonding with him and getting so attached - that I had neglected Sadia in the process. Poor Sadia. It was my dear husband who pointed this out to me, and I'm forever grateful to him for opening my eyes to the painful truth. How Sadia was trying to vie for my attention and getting me involved in her activities, but I kept using Saeif, on a subconscious level, as an excuse to get away from my other responsibilities. How I cried buckets when the realization seeped into my conscience.
From that moment on, I resolved to spend more time with Sadia and avoid neglecting her when she wanted me to engage in plays, readings and other recreations. I have two kids now and accordingly, the adjustment to my life begins yet again. And how their unique and differing personalities endear them to me more.
As for Saeif, he is a cheerful and friendly infant who loves the company of people. Unlike his big sister, he readily smiles and warms up easily to others. There are both a pro and a con to this, however; Pro - I can leave him to willing and helpful individuals while I attend to other matters. Con - He wants me around him or gives him a ride on Mama's taxi if there is no other people attending to him. This translates to a difficult time to go over domestic chores. Therein lies my stress factor, and coupled with a clingy toddler, my hands (and time) are always full.
Indeed, my life is full of irony. I always tell myself I love adventures and new things. However, when it comes to changes - unavoidable and expected - around me, I tend to slacken and languish in my assumed roles. In a way, I do hate changes since they impose a new set of rules that I'm not familiar with from which I must learn quickly in order to adapt or suffer the consequences. 
Another big change came late last year - Sunday, November 22nd to be exact - when my family and I finally moved from our seemingly small yet cosy apartment to a two-storey house on the other far side of town. As unrelenting as I could possibly be, I predictably discovered avenues to complain about the new living arrangement. Mosquitoes galore, slow water pressure on the second floor of the house, and noisy renovation works from adjacent houses were among the gripes that left me annoyed and wretched.
Luckily it was the school holidays and my dear eldest sister was around to assist me in getting used to the new place - unpacking clothes and kitchenwares and bringing her kids to play with mine - particularly when my other half was seconded to a major project at work which required him to work late for a long period at the office. She and her children were heavensent! They made the transition period much more easier to handle.
Last but certainly not least, a big hearty thank-you goes to my other half who, despite a busy schedule and a demanding project deadline, managed to slot in time to pack for the new house, assembled the beds and other furniture on arrival and even cooked Laksa Sarawak for a small housewarming cum doa selamat gathering a week after.
Over all, 2009 has been a tumultuous year with the first half year saw me waddling along with my watermelon-size tummy and stressing over the arrival of the stork and how I will cope, and the second half had me getting used to the concept of 'four' at home, stressing over a brother's looming wedding and moving to our new house.
Many lessons learned came and went as I turned 35 at the end of the year, among which were (1) Mirroring Obama's buzzword, life is all about CHANGE. One has better go with the flow, or risk being drowned by strong undercurrents. (2) Something's gotta give. Don't expect everything will be status quo after you embark on a change. For instance, after getting married, do behave like you're married. After having a kid or more, do act like you have kids. The same has to be said about writing too. (3) Be at your own peril once you decide to swim against the indomitable current of change. Massive disappointment, heartaches and/or bitterness will ensue. (4) Be less selfish, less self-absorbed and more focused. (5) Those obdurate in embracing change must not be meddled with, as experience has shown, it is best to leave them to their own devices. It is for the sake of your sanity and blood pressure to let them be. They're an incorrigible lot, after all. Sigh. (6) When you thought you have people figured out, the fixed formulas that you made up in your head about them turned out to be grossly wrong. You stand corrected. (7) Pigeonholing people might save you the trouble of digging below the surface, but people deserve to be heard no matter what their station in life. (8) Friendship is still possible to be forged at this age!
With the new year only ten days old, I muse over what is in store for me and pray to Allah for a more peaceful, happier and healthier time for me and my whole family. A healthy dose of patience, retrospection and good deeds are in the cards, God willing. Here's to a wonderful decade for everyone!
Incognito No More
3 hours ago