Of Kith and Kin

Is love truly blind? Or are some people just suckers for abuses?

I was recently informed of an acquaintance whose on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-again boyfriend was caught with another woman - a widow - and she plotted revenge by snapping photos of them together. Now the angry man is hunting her down. While other details are sketchy, I also learned that she had apparently known this other woman ironically through the man himself.

What I know of the relationship is that it has been going on for five years and whenever I broached the subject with her, she'd be either evasive or denying there's anything going on beyond a friendship. "Takde lah," she'd reply. But I also came to the knowledge that she once came home black and blue after a meeting with him.

At the beginning of their so-called acquaintanceship, we also found out that this guy is a fraud, with a police record for masquerading as a policeman. And he is also a widow (or maybe divorced) with 6 kids, some (if not all) of whom are residing in an orphanage. What kind of person is this?

Some people are angry that despite the unmasking of his true nature at the beginnning, she still persists in seeing and going out with him. What gives? Is there something going on that we are not privy to?

She cried when others chastised her for enduring in what is best described as an abusive relationship. But somehow, even with this recent 'spat' involving another woman, some are not surprised if she gets back together with him.

This particular episode prompted me to rationalise the reason(s) for her endless dalliance with such a worthless scoundrel. She came from a broken home - her parents are divorced - where her loud-mouthed mother controlled and criticised her every move and decision respectively. Also, she rarely sees her (now deceased) deadbeat dad who neglected to give them any money or moral support.

Does that explain away her propensity to fall for the wrong man? In Freudian-speak, she lacks a father figure and a proper adult role model (her mother drives her crazy) which has caused her to cling on to this wretched person who showers her with some sort of, albeit negative, attention. Her innate ability to ward off undue aggression seems to be absent in favour of affection from someone who 'cares.'

Shamefacedly, it's so easy to pigeonhole people when one indulges in psycho-babble. This got me thinking - in what ways do parents shape the way we think and behave? Putting it differently, how does nature-versus-nurture figure in one's personality?

As a relatively new parent, I can't help but wonder how our behaviour as caregivers would be imprinted in our child's psyche. An interplay of various external factors is definitely at hand. These variables range from parents' own upbringing, academic background, religious views to living environment.

For example, if one's parents are liberal-minded (read: secular), the likelihood of one becoming liberal is high. Conversely, parents who put religious teachings first would likely reap the benefits of a like-minded individual. Or so we thought.

Also, how about those parents who practice moderation in bringing up their kids, by way of stressing both secular and religious education? Which way would he likely swing?

If a child somehow feels a void in her relationship with a parent for whatever reasons, she'd turn to friends - or other role models - who are willing to fill the gap. And these friends in turn influence her outlook on life and level of competitiveness. Peer pressure to conform and fit in comes at this crucial time.

Therefore, the bond between a child and his parent carries a significant weight in moulding an upstanding individual. Without a strong parental figure, a person will readily succumb to the forces of nature that consequently have repercussions on his budding sensibility.

On the other hand, strong is NEVER interchangeable with controlling or overbearing. Parents who cramp their children's style will often be 'punished' through the closure of any doors of communication. That'd be the last thing a parent wants to happen.

Yet, all things considered, one must also bear in mind that your child is unique with his own set of preferences. While one doesn't expect an offspring to be 100% just like you in temperament, genes do carve a slice on a child's 'happiness' plate. A recent study actually revealed that genes account for half of the traits that make people happy with the other half depends on factors such as relationships, health and careers. Those who inherited the so-called happy genes also have a reserve of happiness to draw on in stressful times.

Another ramification to this finding is that we, as parents, are responsible in providing the avenues through which our child can thrive and reach his full 'happiness' potential. Thus, for people where these happy genes are absent, education, nutrition and affection will up the ante by helping to level the playing field.

In light of this discovery, as far as nature versus nurture is concerned, one should always make the most of the chances to be happy without jeopardising one's health (the mental, physical and emotional kind), career path and relationships. These conditions are important because at times one's perception of happiness is skewed by life experiences.

For instance, in a household where a father who cheats on the mother, the child would grow either to have trust issues or to think that cheating is OKAY. Or, Muslim parents who drink and party the night away might raise a child either with the same inclination or who choose an extremist view of Islam (as personally witnessed).

But of course, other permutations are possible and made possible through a catalyst/a buffer/a reactive agent - in the form of a person or an event - that either throws you to the brink of oblivion or heaves you back to a safe haven.

Back to my original question on personality development, by holding genes constant, the type of people we mix and interact with (family and friends) and our daily surroundings form the groundwork for the way we think and behave. That said, we also invariably need these external factors to reinforce our ability to be and stay happy.

I end my long-winded thought by imploring that my acquaintance liberate herself from the suffocating, mental clutches once and for all so that she can truly be happy.

Image filched from here.