Lessons Learnt

This hilarious piece from NYT's departing Paris Bureau chief is such a gem that I feel compelled to share it with the world. Well, at least, the part of the world who haven't read it.

For me, the article offers the finer points on living Paris the Parisian chic way. I've always dreamt of living in Paris at some point in my life, or at the very least retire there with my husband. It would be a great city to venture on foot and loll around in cafes watching the world passes me by. Ahh, just the sheer thought of doing absolutely nothing is making me warm and fuzzies inside.

Oh, where was I? Ahh yes, the chief's eight-point lessons on living in Paris for five-and-a half years both reinforces some personal viewpoints on Parisians (they're fashion-forward and -conscious) and cautions me against any glaring faux pas that I might inadevertently commit (never to say bon appetit before digging into your food).

One interesting highlight would be Lesson Number 2 which can be summed in the following sentence:

It has long been common practice for journalists in France to allow their interview subjects to edit their words. “Read and corrected,” the system is called.

This 'modifying' practice is so widespread within the French news media that it feels as if it is almost de rigueur. To illustrate further, she wrote:

I once took part in an interview with Jacques Chirac, when he was president, in which he said it would not be all that dangerous for Iran to have a nuclear weapon or two. That certainly was not French policy. So the official Élysée Palace transcript left out the line and replaced it with this: “I do not see what type of scenario could justify Iran’s recourse to an atomic bomb.”

I wouldn't have thought and expected such system to be deemed acceptable in an industrialised, developed country. I wonder if the 'Malaysian way' as lamented by Ms Nuraina Samad is another form of doctoring tacitly supported by the mainstream media.

That aside, this particular write-up on lessons learnt inspires me to jot down something along similar lines. But in my case, I won't be focusing on the lessons specifically picked up in a foreign country. Rather, I'm opting for a broader picture that encapsulates my life in general.

So without further ado, here are some personal lessons that I've amassed in my short 30-something years:

1. Burnt bridges can never be salvaged - No matter how hard you try to make amends for those unkind remarks or secrets carelessly spurted out, you cannot change someone's made-up mind about you. So why waste your breath and effort on something that is irreparable, when you could be happy with the friends who really care and use the space to make new friends. Some friendships run their course. Others require a total closure in order to detoxify your system. Such is life that when a relationship has gone irreversibly soured, we just have to go with the flow and move on.



2. Always make sure you speak out apropos - At times, I feel like the Ms. Kathleen Kelly character in the wonderfully witty romantic comedy, You've Got Mail, who has a fear of speaking her mind out at exactly the right time when she really needs it. When someone evil like the misunderstood Mr. Joe Fox hurled some caustic remarks, she wishes she has the gumption to give them a taste of their own medicine. Out of misplaced civility, I cower from the very act of putting someone in his place. Once, a certain someone told me I looked haggard in comparison to a spruced-up looking hubby sitting beside me. Taken mostly by surprise, I didn't get the chance to say what exactly I felt. Moreover, she was much older than me that I foolishly decided to let it pass. But then again, she has always been blunt about my appearance in the past and I had never ever said anything badly about her 'atypical' size. Next time, I'd be sure to unleash my sharp tongue!



3. It's no use arguing with a broken record - When someone maintains that she or he is right and won't in any probability move from that hallowed position, there's nothing you can do to alter the person's perception. While I've been called self-righteous and told to get off my high horse, I believe in listening to the other person's point of view before wrapping up my own conclusions. There is always two sides to a story. Naturally, arguments would ensue but as long as you agree to disagree, there's no reason to NOT coexist in harmony. Perhaps, I'm being naive, no?



4. Flattery can only go so far - It's always nice to hear the compliments that come your way. It feels like you're basking in the glory of your triumph. An all-time high. Their approbation seems to validate your worth as an individual. But when the chips are down, you need to know you can count on these people who had earlier showered you with praises. If the answer is unfavourable, you can now discern who your true friends are and where their loyalty lies.



5. Forgive and forget is an art form - Whoever invented that idiomatic expression must be either a hopeless romantic or a clueless simpleton. And this person is also alien to the concept that not all wounds can be healed with time. Emotional wounds cut to the core of our being. It slices and dices our psyche that we emerge out of it a completely different person. Our perception of reality will be affected by a heartbreaking event, a slew of hurtful comments, an unfair action and so forth. We need time to readjust, recover and possibly forgive ourselves for letting those mood killers get to us. Forgetting it? That's a bit of a stretch, I think.



6. Bitterness is a poison that you swallow hoping that the other person will die - While you might feel downtrodden due to the so-called injustice inflicted on you, you must make sure that such a bitter feeling won't get the best of you. It's fine and good to whinge about it for a while. But to pull other people down as you wallow in self-pity is unforgivable as well as selfish. Of course, it's easier said than done to not be bitter and twisted about the past. Once you follow the path of bitterness, you'd unconsciously drag down anyone who is remotely happier than you. Noone would want to be near a sourpuss.



7. Happiness is a state of mind - Only you yourself can decide if you want to be happy. Not deliriously so; just contented and satisfied with your lot. It's not the clothes you wear (but they can help :) ), nor the number of academic scrolls you've attained, and it ain't the money you've in the bank either. It's just happy with the way you are, the state you are in, and coming to terms with your own 'imperfections' and limitations. You can't be expected to do everything and help everyone. Once you've come to that realisation, you will be on the road to constant self-improvement.

There you go. Seven lessons that life has taught me so far. The path that God has charted out for me might be unknowable, but I'm still excited and faithful all the same.


Image filched from here.

The Long Weekend that was

It's been more than a week since my last entry. As a cop-out, I blame it on my cold, my daughter catching the same and the long weekend that I spent with my immediate family. Coupled with the monthly and an excruciating back ache, I was not in the proper frame of mind to write anything.

My back still hurts but the sniffles have, thank goodness, subsided. I'm also indebted to hubby for taking a long leave which provided a reprieve to my sickness.

We had originally planned for a beach getaway, as wont, for the extended holiday but Sadia's rising temperatures in the wee hours of Saturday morning upended that prospect.

Cancelling the reservation before the 24-hour deadline was up, we spent the days lounging at home, attending a potluck at my parents', and visiting our favourite haunts - malls galore.

As Sadia had slightly recovered from her cold by Sunday afternoon, we went on our inaugural Aquaria excursion on Monday's afternoon. On the whole, we were impressed by the exhibition and set-up of the place. The level of professionalism and thought put towards maintaining Aquaria as a tourist attraction is highly commendable.

Sadia in particular, kept bringing up the fact that she had patted a starfish and touched a baby shark (a small (and docile species of shark) which greeted us the moment we went through the turnstile. The open enclosures in the form of shallow man-made ponds also allow visitors a closer look of the sea/water creatures. Sadia was more than happy to see close-up one of her current favourite animals - the turtles.

The walkalator inside the deep water aquarium/tunnel-chamber, which hosts, amongst others, a shoal of Australian-flown sharks, was another nifty feature of Aquaria. It offers patrons to either hop on it for an uninterrupted viewing or hop off to the normal walkway in order to linger at a specific spot.

Except for a relatively limited number of exhibitions at hand (I was expecting penguins, et al), Aquaria didn't disappoint. Actually, we were glad for the short duration since Sadia was getting antsy towards the end. This should serve as a lesson to us not to bring her for an outing nearing her nap time.

All in all, it was a pleasant diversion from the usual mall jaunts.

In the tunnel towards Aquaria

Sadia in awe of the fishes

Watching the turtles; don't mind a bloated me :)

Hubby and Sadia inside the tunnel-chamber

Long overdue Tag

Lest I should procrastinate further, I resolve to complete this particular meme tag now. I'm currently down with a cold - sneezing uncontrollably and sniffling - that induces me to finally bring this tag to fruition.

Many gracious thanks go to the lovely and cheery Simah who had tagged me to list out five of my favourite links.

Here are the rules:

1. MUST be clean. No X-rated sites.
2. Only FIVE links.
3. MUST tell 5 people.
4. A link back to the person who tagged you. (That'd be Simah!)
5. An active link.

So here goes mine:

1. The New York Times Online is a favourite daily that I often trawl anytime of the day. It covers a gamut of interests from archaelogy to psychology to arts. I always find some wonderful reads here.


2. MStar is a local news' reference point that I go to whenever I want up-to-the-minute development on topical issues. Introduced by my husband, it's a bilingual site (but more of Malay written pieces, I'd say) that collates news from local newspapers and newswire (Bernama). You have to check out the Kolum Kakak Tua, a sardonic spin on all Malaysian celebrity news. It's simply hilarious.


3. BukuMuka or Facebook! is a newfound love which is slowly tapering off. Whew! While it's nice to find old friends on this cyberspace, I confess that there are some stuff in the past that I'd rather have left buried indefinitely.


4. Free Dictionary offers not only words galore but trivias and other interesting historical facts. Try your hand at Hangman (on the righthand side). It's one of my MUST go-to sites. :)


5. Last but certainly not least is, JCrew, an iconic American clothing store that showcases classic and timeless style. Its clean lines and durable fabric make for an eclectic mix of fashionable wear. JCrew is the place where I hop to whenever I need to revamp the look of my apparel. In general, it gives me a rough idea of what works for me. It's a piece of college years that holds many fond memories (I only bought at a deep discount). I must say that the prices have gone up over the years (what else is new!) but luckily not at th expense of quality. And no, I don't buy online because (a) they are so expensive and (b) they don't deliver in Malaysia (bummer!).

So, there you have it folks, the random five of my favourite links. Since I had deferred doing this tag for a while and most people that I know have done it, I won't be tagging anyone. However, if I have inadvertently missed out anyone who have yet to put the tag to task, by all means please take a stab at it. I'm interested to see your links.

Now for some lukewarm lemon juice.

Of Kith and Kin

Is love truly blind? Or are some people just suckers for abuses?

I was recently informed of an acquaintance whose on-and-off-and-on-and-off-and-on-again boyfriend was caught with another woman - a widow - and she plotted revenge by snapping photos of them together. Now the angry man is hunting her down. While other details are sketchy, I also learned that she had apparently known this other woman ironically through the man himself.

What I know of the relationship is that it has been going on for five years and whenever I broached the subject with her, she'd be either evasive or denying there's anything going on beyond a friendship. "Takde lah," she'd reply. But I also came to the knowledge that she once came home black and blue after a meeting with him.

At the beginning of their so-called acquaintanceship, we also found out that this guy is a fraud, with a police record for masquerading as a policeman. And he is also a widow (or maybe divorced) with 6 kids, some (if not all) of whom are residing in an orphanage. What kind of person is this?

Some people are angry that despite the unmasking of his true nature at the beginnning, she still persists in seeing and going out with him. What gives? Is there something going on that we are not privy to?

She cried when others chastised her for enduring in what is best described as an abusive relationship. But somehow, even with this recent 'spat' involving another woman, some are not surprised if she gets back together with him.

This particular episode prompted me to rationalise the reason(s) for her endless dalliance with such a worthless scoundrel. She came from a broken home - her parents are divorced - where her loud-mouthed mother controlled and criticised her every move and decision respectively. Also, she rarely sees her (now deceased) deadbeat dad who neglected to give them any money or moral support.

Does that explain away her propensity to fall for the wrong man? In Freudian-speak, she lacks a father figure and a proper adult role model (her mother drives her crazy) which has caused her to cling on to this wretched person who showers her with some sort of, albeit negative, attention. Her innate ability to ward off undue aggression seems to be absent in favour of affection from someone who 'cares.'

Shamefacedly, it's so easy to pigeonhole people when one indulges in psycho-babble. This got me thinking - in what ways do parents shape the way we think and behave? Putting it differently, how does nature-versus-nurture figure in one's personality?

As a relatively new parent, I can't help but wonder how our behaviour as caregivers would be imprinted in our child's psyche. An interplay of various external factors is definitely at hand. These variables range from parents' own upbringing, academic background, religious views to living environment.

For example, if one's parents are liberal-minded (read: secular), the likelihood of one becoming liberal is high. Conversely, parents who put religious teachings first would likely reap the benefits of a like-minded individual. Or so we thought.

Also, how about those parents who practice moderation in bringing up their kids, by way of stressing both secular and religious education? Which way would he likely swing?

If a child somehow feels a void in her relationship with a parent for whatever reasons, she'd turn to friends - or other role models - who are willing to fill the gap. And these friends in turn influence her outlook on life and level of competitiveness. Peer pressure to conform and fit in comes at this crucial time.

Therefore, the bond between a child and his parent carries a significant weight in moulding an upstanding individual. Without a strong parental figure, a person will readily succumb to the forces of nature that consequently have repercussions on his budding sensibility.

On the other hand, strong is NEVER interchangeable with controlling or overbearing. Parents who cramp their children's style will often be 'punished' through the closure of any doors of communication. That'd be the last thing a parent wants to happen.

Yet, all things considered, one must also bear in mind that your child is unique with his own set of preferences. While one doesn't expect an offspring to be 100% just like you in temperament, genes do carve a slice on a child's 'happiness' plate. A recent study actually revealed that genes account for half of the traits that make people happy with the other half depends on factors such as relationships, health and careers. Those who inherited the so-called happy genes also have a reserve of happiness to draw on in stressful times.

Another ramification to this finding is that we, as parents, are responsible in providing the avenues through which our child can thrive and reach his full 'happiness' potential. Thus, for people where these happy genes are absent, education, nutrition and affection will up the ante by helping to level the playing field.

In light of this discovery, as far as nature versus nurture is concerned, one should always make the most of the chances to be happy without jeopardising one's health (the mental, physical and emotional kind), career path and relationships. These conditions are important because at times one's perception of happiness is skewed by life experiences.

For instance, in a household where a father who cheats on the mother, the child would grow either to have trust issues or to think that cheating is OKAY. Or, Muslim parents who drink and party the night away might raise a child either with the same inclination or who choose an extremist view of Islam (as personally witnessed).

But of course, other permutations are possible and made possible through a catalyst/a buffer/a reactive agent - in the form of a person or an event - that either throws you to the brink of oblivion or heaves you back to a safe haven.

Back to my original question on personality development, by holding genes constant, the type of people we mix and interact with (family and friends) and our daily surroundings form the groundwork for the way we think and behave. That said, we also invariably need these external factors to reinforce our ability to be and stay happy.

I end my long-winded thought by imploring that my acquaintance liberate herself from the suffocating, mental clutches once and for all so that she can truly be happy.

Image filched from here.

Spanner in the works

On post-election day, an overcast Sunday, I woke up to an s.m.s. (that's Text Message to other parts of the world) from Zakiah saying "Alhamdulillah. Puji dan syukur yang teramat kepada Allah. Semoga menjadi permulaan yang baru." (Translation: Praise and glory be to God. Here's to a new beginning) It's no secret which team she's been rooting for.

I slept in early last night - well by midnight - busy attending to Sadia's crankiness that the election results were far from my biggest worries. Groggy and puzzled, I showed the s.m.s. to my husband who in turn told me the BIG news.

Wowser! I didn't expect the results to be THAT shocking - the opposition won control of five states - including the incumbent state of Kelantan - and some well-known Barisan Nasional ('BN') politicians got burnt by the fiery onslaught of disgruntled (also perhaps, well-informed) voters.

And silly me was expecting the same-old, same-old outcome to the 12th election. I guess my indifference to the whole proceeding was attributed to the pro-government media which hinders fair news coverage to the opposition as well as the household name that BN has become. How I had underestimated the strength and will of the Opposition parties!

While the mainstream media might be unreceptive to the alternative parties, the ubiquitious internet provides the necessary channels for people to turn to in times of doubt and anger. Indeed, the cyberspace has given the opposition the advantage it needs to reach prospective voters in ways unimaginable before.

And I heard of tales that some candidates of the coalition parties failed to convincingly answer questions put across by their constituency. Their people skills are either rusty or nonexistent, which begs the question - were they just puppets reading prepared scripts by the government? In contrast, the so-called political dissenters seemed to work around the clock to secure Parlimentary and State Assembly seats. This grassroots approach appeals to people who want someone that listens to their grievances, not merely playing lip service with their promises.

Granted, it remains to be seen whether the opposition parties would follow through and make good on their respective manifestoes. Time will tell. I'm confident though that the opposition will do the right thing in order to continually win the hearts of the people.

I have to admit that politics is not one of my strong points. I'd be the last person to talk politics in a conversation.

But I was more than happy when Samy Vellu got thrashed at the poll. He should have followed the route of retirement and hand over his portfolio as Tun Dr. Mahathir and Tun Dr. Ling Liong Sik had done when they were still at their peak. To be defeated and publicly humiliated through poll results is never a great way to exit politics.

Some people - especially hardliners from the older generation - vote based on the party of choice, while others - more discerning younger folks - look at the respective candidates to cast their votes. Whichever the methods used, I believe one should respect their choices and not to belittle others if their votes do not align with yours.

Of course I'm talking about family members/relatives everywhere and neighbours particularly in the rural areas. While the party solidarity in the Pan-Islamic Party is lauded - the sheer number of turnouts for Stadium-held sembahyang hajat is one such indication - I'm cheesed off with the fanatical attitude of some party members who alienate their neighbours of the same Kampung for supporting the ruling coalition.

I don't understand why some supporters take party affiliation so personally and seriously, so much so they want to inflict physical harm on folks who refuse to toe the line. The prevailing sentiment in this state confirmed my long-ago suspicion of the cliquishness* associated with some East Coasters. Hey, even my dad concurs with this observation!

That said, the ruling coalition has its own share of faults too. Cronyism, corruption, nepotism, greediness, scandals, infighting, weak leadership and complacency, to name a few.

As the famous catchphrase for this round of election goes "Checks and balances," I am hopeful that the Malaysian's political landscape would be seeing better days.

* Like most things, there are negative and positive aspects to revelling in cliques.

B.B.O.

Somewhere in this Muddy Estuary we call a city, a typical morning has begun.

After waking up from a morning slumber, she goes directly to the Macbook which has found a permanent spot on her dining table. In a desultory manner, her mind wanders to the blogs that she has to visit today. "What ever happened to her baby?" "What interesting story is on offering today?" "I wonder if she has updated anything since two weeks ago." "I do hope she's feeling much better." "Will he crack another joke this time?"

After experiencing what she affectionately terms as B.B.O. - Blog Burn-Out (and not to be confused with Bad Body Odour), her thought flits to her favourite online newspaper forever on the lookout for articles of interest.

And there is that 'social utility tool' narcisstically called Facebook which is haunting her day in day out with its various applications. Honestly, she couldn't really fathom the purpose to which they serve. But they still manage to bait her, hook, line and sinker.

As the day finally winds down to the bedroom, she even checks the Net on her cellphone, thanks largely to the 3G she's been subscribing to. (Or NO thanks to?) Ironically enough, it was lying down in bed reading this article on her trusty Sony Ericsson that she realised the magnitude of her problem.

She's a techno addict. And sadly, she is none other but me.

To exemplify the severity of my addiction, let's compare with these several lines:

Yet I had developed the habit of leaving a laptop next to my bed so I could check my e-mail, last thing and first thing. I had learned how to turn my P.D.A. into a modem, the better to access the Web from my laptop when on a train. Of course I also used that P.D.A. in conventional ways, attending to it when it buzzed me.

I think my predicament started after my hubby bought the Mac for his overseas studies which had in turn enabled me to blog freely at home. This by the way took place after I quit my job. My Net-dependency got worse when we settled in Holland, what with the fast, 24/7 access at home that comes virtually free! (The cost came together with the apartment rent)

So when we came back to Malaysia, almost a year later, I whinged about the relatively slow and unreliable (believe me, it's worsened after we left) connection that is available at home. Feeling downtrodden with the inability to surf as often and as fanatical as I did before, I resigned to the fact that I would only peruse the blogworthy reads but without the almost compulsory practice to leave a comment every time.

And now, I believe I have come at a crossroads with respect to the internet. No, I would not abandon it completely, nor would I find myself feeding intravenously through a makeshift modem. Like the article advocates, I will exercise, once or twice weekly, a Secular Sabbath.

...Thus began my “secular Sabbath” — a term I found floating around on blogs — a day a week where I would be free of screens, bells and beeps. An old-fashioned day not only of rest but of relief.

Yes, the tried-and-true way of liberating myself from any facets of technology which has become cumbersome to keep up with. Instead of 'bringing people closer,' I'm stuck with the sadistic impulse to be at its beck and call. So no more e-mail, text messaging or internet on this Secular Sabbath day (or THESE days if I've survived ONE day)!

Naturally, the chances of regressing back into habit are quite high. My hubby might even say it's insurmountable (well, he might say something less wordy but you get the idea). But I'd better start somewhere than staying put in a Techno rut. And this method is a 'healthy' compromise. As Mr. Bittman puts it:

Increasingly, I realized that there is more to the secular Sabbath than an impulse, or even a day off from e-mail. And there are reasons that nonsecular Sabbaths — the holy days of Christians, Jews and Muslims — have rules that require discipline. Even for the nonreligious, those rules were once imposed: You need not be elderly to remember when we had no choice but to reduce activity on Sundays; stores and offices — even restaurants — were closed, there were certainly no electronics, and we were largely occupied by ourselves or our families.

Thus, in order to be successful in this particular endeavour I have to be disciplined. After all, without discipline, anything could be abandoned at our whims and fancies. I must adhere to a set of rules of 'engagement' if I were to emerge triumphant. Err, what are these rules again?

With this epiphany, I find myself now agreeing to the long-held Sunday tradition of closed shops in Delft. I used to complain about the Dutch's lack of enterprising spirit (read: loafing off) on the day when consumers want to go out and shop. On hindsight, this arrangement allows them to immerse in a state of complete relaxation. Time to recharge the old and tinker the new.

I thank God for the opportunity to live in an idyllic town which is none too busy, nor is it too boring. It was well, quaint and refreshing. And if we really need to escape for a bit of shopping, there is always a train ride away to Rotterdam or Den Hague. If only I could live in a town like that back in Malaysia...perhaps then I won't need the internet every so often.

So dears, if you don't hear from me over the weekend and on a premeditated date, fear not me lads and ladies as I will hop back on the bandwagon as soon as Secular Sabbath draws to an end. In the meantime, try to leave a message with the hubby (and I'd like to stress on the word try ;) ).

On Writing

Sometimes, at a moment's notice, I feel compelled to put my thoughts into comprehensible words. The sudden rush to spill my heart out is often indescribable. No sooner had the inspiration come than the idea fizzled out like an overnight open can of Coke.

This writing compulsion is usually accompanied by a caffeine jolt into my system, or better yet, following an episode of emotional upheaval. Infuriated by the unfair treatment inflicted on a loved one, or the empathy shared through a heartwrenching story, I get all misty-eyed and take it upon myself to spread the words around.

It is a known fact that I love to write. But as a budding writer, I always question the quality of my writings as they are not as earth-shattering and beguiling as some that I have come across.

Then again, I reconcile this hasty notion with the fact that I'm still an avid learner and that writing is as much a craft as it is a passion.

A troubling thought brewed in my head when I realise that a writer must engage in a wholesome regiment of reading if he or she is to succeed in this competitive field. Read widely and hungrily, a truism sounds off.

You see, I wouldn't coin myself as a "voracious reader" as I am, to put it mildly, a slow reader to begin with. Alright, I'm downright lazy when it comes to reading books. I'd rather read online articles than to ensconce myself on a sofa with a heavy literature material.

Books that keep me glued are considered easy readings to some expert readers out there. And of course, there is the chick lit genre and ahem, some romance novels that rivet my full and undivided attention.

Oddly enough, I'm more intrigued with words and more words. I love for instance, the seemingly unending number of adjectives that could go into describing a house. This weird fascination explains why I'm a self-professed dictionary-phile, as opposed to your regular Joe (or Jane) reader magnifique.

Alongside my quirky fixation is the equally bizarre interest in both sentence formation and structure. I love the way beautifully-structured sentences glide effortlessly in a story. They capture my vivid imagination and elicit an emotional reaction that see me hanging on every single word.

In turn, this probably accounts for my slowpaced reading style which induces me to re-read a few 'interesting' sentences over and over again. OCD, you say?

As such, in a personal bid to improve my writing style and widen my reading exposure, I've found myself buying more books this year than I have ever owned for the last, say, eight years.

In the end, it is never enough to depend only on your so-called writing forte, you also have to hone the right and appropriate skills.

Here are, in random order, some blogger-writers that I am enthralled with: Jawikistani, Elviza, Eliza (yup, another one!), Idlan, Venny and Kenny Mah (hmm, seems I'm more partial to female writers). Any other recommendations?