The Liliputian Force of Nature

25th April marked another major milestone in my life. An unexpected, new goalpost has been pegged and erected. I resigned from my job.

It was a decision I was forced to make in light of my uncompromising baby situation. I didn’t foresee this particular problem to arise. I had hoped to finish my work at my (old) company before flying off to Delft for my husband’s studies.

Sadia is quite a petite baby girl. I always get these remarks whenever we’re in public places. “How many days/weeks old?” “She’s so tiny!”.

Perhaps she follows my husband’s side of the family. Funny thing is she does have long limbs. Her legs, arms and fingers are relatively longish. But she is just small in size. Another theory which might hold water is that I was a small baby myself, coming in at about 2.6 kg (compared to Sadia’s birthweight of 2.96 kg). I was the smaller of the twins and my mom made sure to keep me warm for the first few months of my life.

I am again digressing. Anyways, baby tends to lose weight a week following birth due to the loss of moisture from their bodies. The weight loss can be aggravated by the contraction of illness or medical conditions such as jaundice. That was what happened to Sadia. She had jaundice during the first week. My husband was outstationed at this time and I had to go to the hospital with my mom to check Sadia’s bilirubin level. The result turned out to be borderline.

After my husband came back from his trip, we sought a specialist’s opinion on her case. The pediatrician, a mild-mannered man (whose interesting quirk is to start OR end his sentences with “Basically”), diagnosed her with breastfeeding jaundice and asked me to stop taking “jamu”, a traditionally-prepared mix of herbs for post-natal recovery. He advised me to continue breastfeeding to help Sadia’s boy in getting rid of the excess bilirubin.

Actually I had stopped taking jamu following the first jaundice result but the pediatrician wanted me to stop completely taking any traditional medication (pill or otherwise) orally. Other traditional products for external usage are, however, allowed.

The incident, in retrospect, contributed to my breastfeeding frenzy. I nursed her for long sessions despite the pediatrician’s pointer to do otherwise. Anything longer than 30 minutes constitutes as “comfort feeding”. The baby just wants the soothing feel of her mother’s ni**le in her mouth as a form of security.

But I beg to differ. Sometimes the baby is hungry and the evident suckling motion is testament to that. Yes, it does look like I’m justifying my action but whenever I try to latch her off, she’ll seek out the fleshy ni**le (sometimes with eyes closed) and latch on successfully. I don’t have the heart to “disengage” and consequently relent to her eating habit. After all, she is tiny and needs all the nutrition that she can get!

The consequence: Two weeks prior to going back to work, I tried giving her the bottle. She refused and cried. Even when other people gave her, she rejected wholeheartedly. There was one fluke occasion when she did finish a whole 90ml of formula milk. Following that, I attempted giving her my expressed milk in the bottle. Someone else was in charge of giving since I didn’t want to be there lest she could “smell” me. I hid in another room in my parent’s house. She vehemently repelled the bottle’s content and wailed uncontrollably. More often than not, Sadia’s cry is filled with heart-wrenching sobs and reaches its all-time “low” when she loses her voice, swallowed by and overwhelmed with feeling of sadness. Any sentient beings with a heart would quiver under her crying spell.

I had to acquiesce to her request of eating from the milk’s original source. Drinking off “nature’s” tap. Subsequent trials were put in place by other volunteered feeders but all failed. Once, I even left her with my mom and her maid while I went out to get a haircut with my twin sister. She was already asleep when I left, after being fed for a long session. That short separation proved to be disastrous. For the 45 minutes that she was awake, she didn’t want the formula milk and cried for a long duration until she went back to sleep.

I had to rush back home and asked the hairstylist to wind things up quickly. The incident confirmed my grave suspicion – she will not take the bottle anytime soon or soon enough for me to go work.

I called my boss for an extension of my maternity leave. She, being a two-time mother, declined my request. She asked me to do whatever it takes to handle the situation and to “not let my baby control me.” What? I was taken aback. And I had thought, she would have a more sensitive spine, being a (1.) a woman, (2.) a mother!!!. In other words, I had to regain control of my baby’s rejection of the bottle. Perhaps if she had rephrased her sentences, I wouldn’t have resigned, but s**t happens! Maybe, it was me telling her the day before, that my husband was approved and selected for his overseas studies and I would like to enquire the company’s policy on unpaid leaves. When I called her back to explain my predicament with the baby, she wanted me to go to work immediately, to finish a few tasks. This was conveyed to me after she found out that there is no such policy for long unpaid leaves.

I realized that I had to bite the bullet and quit my job. Sadia’s health is more important than completing my “task” at the office. No one should ask me to choose between my baby and my job. She wins hands down.

Now I am busy attending to Sadia’s needs, and watching her grow on a daily basis is a blessing that I wouldn’t miss for the world. She now can hold her head up, when I put her on her stomach. And her smiles, giggles and squeals are unless pleasures that can melt the heart of any parent. She’s a Liliputian force to reckon with. In a way, I am glad that she gets a hold, or shall I dare say “control” of me…