Brother, where art thou?

My brother, being the only son – the youngest one to boot – has always been the center of attention and bestowed with certain privileges the four of us daughters have to do without. Of course, we are envious, to some degree or another, of his ‘special status’. But my brother remains relatively humble with his advantageous familial position. Being a boy, he’s managed to get away with more freedom compared to us girls. Musically-gifted, religiously-inclined, he has a lot to offer the world. He looks set to conquer the world. Late April 2004, however, everything changed.

An ominous phone call in the middle of the night stirred us from our sleep. My younger sister informed us that she and her husband were at the hospital’s emergency ward with my brother and mother (My father came shortly thereafter). My brother’s condition had taken a turn for the worse. A few days earlier, he found himself out of breath after walking a short distance and was diagnosed with low blood pressure which the general physician contributed to stress at work. He also experienced chills at sporadic times during the day and had difficulty urinating.

At the hospital, he was put on an oxygen mask and his blood was tested. My sister told me the blood’s results showed high level of toxin in his body which was preliminarily attributed to a kidney dysfunction. The news caught me by total surprise. My brother is possibly having a renal failure, not unlike the one my mother is now suffering from.

The hospital had recommended further testing to see how far the problem had escalated. Since my brother had my parents to accompany him for the night, we decided to see him the next day. I even opted to forgo an important meeting at the office that day (later I found out much to the disappointment of my old boss but that’s a different story).

The next morning I came to the hospital with my younger sister. We waited with our mom for our turn to see my brother’s doctor (who happened to be my mom’s long-term consultant) for the prognosis. My brother was resting in his hospital room. As we walked into the renal specialist’s office, I could readily see what his facial expression painted. It was a brooding and grave picture.

I cried soon after the words came crashing through. “His kidney is only 10% functioning” “He needs to undergo dialysis at this point in time to rid himself of the high toxin level in his blood” “If the illness was detected a few years earlier, there would be a better chance to remedy the problem”.

My brother is so young and innocent. He was 24 last year. He has many opportunities ahead of him. Many dreams to follow and many new adventures to take that will transform him into a more matured, well-rounded individual. Little did I know that he has to carry such a heavy personal load at that young an age.

I felt sad for him. For his future. For his innate, honed and yet-to-be-discovered, capabilities. I even questioned why it struck a person as nice, religious and faithful as him. I didn’t want him to be sidelined by any offers just because he has a medical condition. But as my emotions settled down, I realized God has a better plan for him, however esoteric it appears to us, His servants.

From my own understanding of the glorious Islamic teachings, I believe that Allah tests those faithful servants whom He dearly loves. I also take comfort in knowing that the degree to which we are tested is in direct proportion to our ability in handling them. In other words, God will only give ‘a situation’ (or an obstacle) to His servant since He has the foresight of knowing he or she is able to endure or overcome the ordeal.

Initially, during the first few weeks, he had problem coming to grips with his ailment. He thought it would be temporary and reverseable. Or even cured. My heart broke every time I heard him saying “I feel much better now.” “My breathing is back to normal.” “No need to do dialysis anymore.”

Once you opt for dialysis, you’ll be depending on it for the rest of your lives. Unless, of course, you undergo a kidney transplant. The success rate of a transplant is at worst unsubstantiated and at best elusive. Also, the probability of finding a suitable donor and the high cost involved have discouraged many kidney patients from taking the road less traveled.

Now that a year has passed since that fateful day, he has gotten the hang of going for dialysis thrice weekly and ingesting a cocktail of medicines and supplements. It has become a routine that is imprinted into his subconscious. Earlier on, he’d forget his medicinal schedule or want someone to follow him during the dialysis session. He was after all the ‘baby’ of the family.

He is now tougher, more resilient and adult-like, I must say. A separate event late last year had also put matters more into perspective for him and indirectly for us, his immediate family. That crucial matter was confided to me in January this year via phone text messaging exchanges.

His girlfriend of four years was mulling over a possible break-up due to her family’s disapproval of my brother. The girl’s father and paternal grandmother didn’t agree to her marriage plans to my brother. This rejection was based on his renal condition. They were irrationally concerned that she would become a widow if my brother’s physical health worsens. I (and my mom) counter that baseless, unfounded fear by arguing that anyone serving in the police or military posts should also not marry lest they die in combat or in line of duty.

Her family, which resides in the rural part of the country’s East Coast holds on to an ultra conservative, backward mindset that infuriates me. If she acquiesces to this notion for not being with my brother, then she is, in my book, a loser. Not in the denigrating sense, but in the sense of her losing, self-defeating spirit. She is not a fighter. She would not fight or “rise to the occasion” for her lover.

Granted, as the eldest daughter, her hands are tied. She has to please and obey her parents and family. On the other hand, when there’s a will, there’s a way, I believe. Perhaps, it’s more complex than that. I wouldn’t know since I’m not in her shoes. It’s a moral dilemma that only she could completely fathom. As such, I admit there are bigger forces at work here than I’m able to conjure, imagine or postulate.

When he first became sick, she rushed to be by his side. His family followed suit the next day to visit. She even put up two nights in the hospital ward to stand vigil and fend for him. Her family was very supportive of their relationship when it first bloomed in late 2002. His perennial visits to her village and hometown had also aided in sealing their approval. How perception, emotions and mentality swing in a span of six months.

My brother was crestfallen since October when he first discovered the painful truth. He carried the burden for some time before letting us in on his misery in January. He had almost given up on the relationship.

Judgmental as I can be, I might have been rash in forming my opinion on her seemingly meek behavior. But my brother’s future happiness is at stake. I don’t want him to get hurt lest she finally decides to ditch him for good. My mom’s unceremonious intervention last January managed to patch the relationship in a jiffy. Right now, however, I don’t have any clue as to the status of his amorous affair. Nowadays, I observe that he is more taciturn than usual and looks quite wistful at family gatherings.

Come what may, I pray that he will find someone well deserving of his kindness, affection and love. Someone who is devoted and brave enough to walk hand in hand as an equal partner until death do they part. Like the often cited Malay truism, “Jodoh pertemuan dan mati di tangan Tuhan” (which transliterally means “Meeting a life partner and death are in God’s hands").