Infantile thoughts

I'm now into my seventh months and protruding generously in the stomach region, to say the least.

In actuality, I can't wait for the labor to come - to get over with it. However, God has His own plans and I respect Him for it. Like everything which has its own season, I must have my patience.

Until the actual birth date, I just have to bear with the 'growing pains' and other aches that accompany my pregnancy. And not knowing how certain sensations translate to different physical conditions also contribute to my 'anxiousness' - as my male gynae aptly put it.

Stop being anxious, he said. Well, you stop being so callous! Haha.

It's not that I'm not grateful for the upcoming birth of my first child - it's just that I'm just tired - a sentiment I am sure shared by other expectant mothers.

And anticipating the first-person introduction to my new baby has me in knots and caused anxiety over my capability to take care and fend for this little bundle of joy.

It's only natural since it's the first baby and I've seen my sisters going from being pregnant to being a mother and they did fine!

Save for my eldest sister, the transition was not running that smoothly but they managed and learnt to cope with the challenges of caring and nursing a baby.

It's ironic how things turned out. I've wanted to have a baby ever since I was engaged. Let's face it - ever since I went out with my husband.

I wanted to care for a child. Of my own and my hubby.

And since we got hitched, I looked forward to the day when my menstrual cycle will be 'delayed'.

With frayed nerves and sheer anguish, I'd imagined the day when it'd be announced - you're pregnant! - but was disappointed when they were nothing more than false alarms. I had thought the negative results would be far outweighed by my eagerness to be pregnant. But alas, they affected me - I became depressed and down in the dumps.

The funny thing was when that miraculous day finally did arrive, it landed on us, me and my husband, with an anti-climatic note.

It was late June and I was 'late' for two weeks so I went to the local clinic near my workplace, naturally to seek further advice. This was following a failed home pregnancy test which left me unsatisfied.

It was still negative.

In two weeks time, I fell ill and had a high temperature and attended a different clinic near my office. The male doctor diagnosed me with stomach flu (or stomach infection) and prescribed me some antibiotics and other medication. Since it coincided with the flu season, I didnt think much about it.

Again, in another 2 weeks or so, my menses has yet to show up. I was worried. But I attributed it to the antibiotics that I had swallowed. In the back of my mind, I was hoping it was due to a successful conception.

I went to another clinic near my house and the urine test still came back negative. Looking at me with sympathetic eyes, the doctor said sometimes the keen feelings of wanting a baby could result in psychosomatic symptoms that a woman usually undergo when she is pregnant. In other words, I wanted a baby so much that my cycle was rendered late as a mental perception to being pregnant. I was crushed. She advised that I take something like pineapple to aid in bringing about my menses.

I did drink a whole can of pineapple juice in the following two days. My period didn't come still but I did notice a staining that came and went.

A week later, I was feverish, headachey and achey all over that I decided to see a doctor. I was sick of falling sick all the time. I was just NOT me. And the taste of coffee makes me nauseous. And I am supposed to LOVE coffee! Something was really amiss.

It was after a meeting in KL that I went to meet up with my husband at a KLCC-based clinic. The doctor asked me to take urine sample again.

After the harrowing weeks of negative results, I wasn't even expecting anything to the contrary.

Then, as we were sitting quietly at the waiting room minding our own business, the doctor suddenly appeared out of nowhere and said nonchalantly "It's positive - come (to my room)!"

We were stupefied. He just said it like that - without any preamble such as "Congratulations!". We sat there like lead, trying to digest the word - POSITIVE.

When the doctor subsequently queried me with the usual barrage of questions (my last menstrual date, choice of gynae, etc), I was still reeling with the abrupt turn of event. I'm sure my husband was going through the same motion.

I am with a child! I was so elated and grateful to God AlMighty.

I vividly remember that fated day - it fell on the 19th of July! Well, that's not wholly the truth. It was either 18th or 19th but I remember it was near my friend, Izana's birthday.

My pregnancy has its ups and downs - one which I will expatiate further in my next posting.

Overall, I'm looking forward to the day she will look upon my face and instinctively accept me as her mother. As one of her fortifiers, her protectors, her first line of defence in this world.