A Labour of Love

What are your criteria for marrying a person? Or does it boil down to one overriding criterion?

Is it something material like wealth, money and connection? The more Datuks and Dato' Seris in that family, the better.

Is it something spiritual like a religious outlook, Islamic values and an emphasis on the Hereafter? The more time spent in the masjeed or musolla, the better.

Or is it something fleeting like beauty and other coveted physical attributes?

Or is the other person's cerebral enough for one's cultured taste and able to sate one's natural curiousity?

Or is it the generosity of his heart, the tender loving care and the promise of a lifetime of unconditional affection?

So what does make one a strong prospective partner? The permutations are endless, as is the complexity of a person's mind.

I have come upon a case where a besotted lass faced the biggest humiliation of her life when the entourage of her fiancé-to-be failed to show up on the appointed date of engagement. The reason given, at least implicitly, was due to her brothers' excessive gambling reputation. In a small Kampung setting, connection that would defile the lineage of a proud family is more important than the feelings of two people involved.

How about the story of a Malay lad who has to marry the girl of his family's choice back in the village? Sounds very Bollywood-like, but in this day and age - or ten years back when it took place - arranged marriages still endure. This was despite him having fallen for another girl whom he had met while working in KL. Family obligation and being the firstborn come first. The poor girl's heart, needless to say, was crushed.

Speaking of Bollywood, some Mamak (Indian Muslim of Tamil descent) clans continue to practice arranged marriages among close families, where childhood betrothal is the norm. As expected, this helps in preserving the Mamak bloodline from being diluted from interracial marriages. A Mamak guy of my peer, married his betrothed, even after seriously entertaining the thoughts of having a Malay girlfriend.

The silly, idealistic girl in me has always thought love would conquer all. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Family objection, preservation of lineage, reputation and old money, and numerous other narrow perceptions eschew all possibility for love to rise to the occasion.

Now I understand the meaning of my mom's words when she imparted the following : Not everyone gets to marry their first love.

And yet, in the greater scheme of things, one finds the faith and courage to accept that some things are not meant to be. Naturally, you feel rejected, even angry at this callous treatment. Later, as reality sets in, you bawl your eyes out until you are reduced to painful convulsions.

In spite of all the heartaches, you somehow manage to crawl out of the abyss and stumble upon someone who is worthy of your affection and love. You hold the faith to carry on.

It matters not if you marry your first love. It matters when the person has the will and strength to hold on during the peaks and troughs of your life together. That should be the litmus test of your love. Your prospective partner.

On that note, I want to wish my only brother the best of luck following his engagement to the girl of his dream, Awin, last January 17th. After some unsuccessful hitches, he has finally found someone who accepts his medical condition - renal dialysis - and a supportive family to boot. I only got to meet her that day and already I'm getting good vibes.

Please take care of one another. Be steadfast in your commitment and always nurture an open and honest relationship in your union. InsyaAllah, everything will fall into place as God has intended.