Love Lost and Found

In accord with the Sarawakian Malay traditions, an engaged woman will receive, apart from dulangs (trays) bearing the customary personal grooming and traditional items, her sum in dowry and a sort of 'marriage contract' stating details on, amongst others, the agreed date and venue for the nuptials, maskahwin (dowry) to be given, and obviously the names of the future bride and groom. This long-held custom is in place to assist the woman's family in the wedding preparation and at the same time, signal the man's strong commitment to follow through with the marriage. However, one must bear in mind in these normal instances a short duration between the engagement and actual wedding exists, some even number in a week's worth of waiting!

So when I told my mother the circumstances in which an engagement with my Sarawakian would-be-husband would entail, she vociferously disagreed with the arrangement plainly because of the long period of engagement (we were engaged for about 11 months), and the early receipt of money which would cover some initial costs of my wedding. Mostly, it was due to the first reason. Although it is best to be optimistic when it comes to marriage, the truth of the matter is anything could take place in the interim with respect to my parents, his parents or us. It's better to err on the side of caution, rather than accept a wad of cash earlier on.

As a compromise, the fiancé's side came up with a scroll delineating the 'facts' related to the upcoming wedding, such as the number of dulangs and its contents, the engagement date and names involved, and, if my memory serves me well, the persons acting as witnesses of the ceremony. I still remember the date I became someone's fiancée mainly because it was the day (the late) Saddam Hussein was captured by Allied troops. What a way to jog them grey cells.

When I went over to Kuching for the groom's wedding ceremony, my husband and I willingly engaged in other local rites like mandi bunga and throwing something (I forgot what it was) over one of the bridges crossing the Sarawak River. Little did I know that my husband's culture is steeped in both traditions and superstitions, despite the 'betrothal contract' being a tell-tale indication.

Over the conjugal years, I've been privy to stories and folk tales that are out of this world, so to speak. In retrospect, these preternatural things would certainly have raised some flags on the back of my head if I were to know them before we got engaged. But were those enough to compel me to scuttle out of the relationship and never look back? Fortunately for me, I had known my husband for a long time for it to cause a dent or weaken our resolve to be together.

After all, ALL families have their own skeletons in the closet. Mine included.

But, having said that, it is a different story altogether when third parties interfere and nip in the bud a developing relationship. Particularly, in this specific case, if the third parties are the parents. What am I ranting about? Well, first things first, let's go to the bottom of things.

My only and youngest brother is in love. A new love interest after breaking off with his long-time girlfriend. The painful separation occured less than a year after he was diagnosed with kidney failure. The first dialysis session began sometime in May 2005. Citing parental objection over my brother's 'sickness', the ex-girlfriend gladly detached herself from the coupledom after nurturing it for two years. This situation is regretful since her parents had even visited us during both my and my sister's weddings, signalling fervent interest for a speedy union. How feelings automatically overturned upon discovering the severity of my brother's disease - that, outside of a possible transplant, he would be dependent on dialysis for a lifetime.

Back to the new girl, as expected from his personal preference, my brother chose a traditional lass from the East Coast. Traditional in the sense that she grew up in a Kampung setting, with an delectable dose of conservatism and demurenes thrown in. And better yet, with two differences this time. This one hails from Terengganu, unlike the last one from Kelantan. And this girl is of the same age as my brother (hopefully more matured) as compared to the ex who was three years younger.

As far as first impression goes, she looks like a nice girl - a bit of the tallish side - with a reserved air. Or, she was probably overwhelmed by the loud bunch that is my maternal relatives when my brother introduced her to us in Kampung Bharu for the first time. While the rate at which they are going is too fast in my humble estimation, I'm all supportive of his choice and decision for a hand in marriage.

Yet, history has a way of repeating itself, in the direst circumstances when her parents rejected him on the sole basis that he is a kidney patient. Whereas traditional values are lauded for their tenacious quality, it is one thing to hold ransom your own daughter's happiness by playing God to her preferred life partner. I am angry, my mother is emotionally-wrought and only God knows what's going through my brother's mind.

I am miffed because the risk of marrying a kidney patient is no more worse than getting hitched to some bloke on the police force, in the army or any Special Tactical Unit. Marriage is a Gamble. Period. How about those who are married and out of the blue, one of the partners is diagnosed with cancer or other terminal disease. Do you want your son or daughter to divorce his or her partner and break up the family just because the person is sick? What kind of person are you? Even an AIDS patient gets married.....

Granted, it is easier said than done since any parent always wants the best for their children. Especially so when your children are going to spend their lifetime with that special person. That's fine and good but what if you are ruining their only chance of real happiness by disapproving and interfering? Would you rather have your own flesh and blood hate you for the rest of your life on the argument that you know what's best for him or her?

This sad episode reminded me of someone, let's call her W, who badly wanted to marry to the man of her dreams, M, at the young age of 20. They had met while she was doing her internship on one of the islands up north. But her parents were strongly against the match because they wanted her to continue her studies first and the man is not on par, academically speaking, with their daughter. Ever since coming back to her family home, she has been crying and crying, keeping to herself and become a solemn figure in the household. She was thoroughly wretched that her mother always made sure that the keys were inside her bedroom at night lest she should decide to run away.

In the end, upon the advice of wise elders of the family, they decided to let her marry the love of her life. It's more logical to allow her to tie the knot than to face the grim consequences of her becoming a spinster, like a few others in the family circle who remained unmarried as their parents refused to acknowledge and receive their choice of a lifemate. How heartbroken they must have been.

In the case of my brother's girlfriend, the last thing I heard was that she was summoned to move back home by quitting her job. As a daughter, it's her obligation to obey her parents. But as a lover, she is very much smitten by my brother. Only time and usaha (or effort) will tell the outcome of this love affair. Both of them must be steadfast against the willful tide, faithfully waiting out the troubled water to recede into the horizon.

As for me, my inlaws initially had their misapprehension about their only DIL coming from, as it is popularly known, Malaya. However, through constant visits and amiable chats, we are slowly letting down our invisible barriers and embracing some (if not all) of our unique differences.

As my husband pointedly puts it, "It's me who's marrying you, not them." Gosh, you make me blush. :*>