Regrets, Do You Have Any?

A close girlfriend recently disclosed that she had broken up with her boyfriend of two years *. Couples go their separate ways all the time but what sets her case apart from the rest is the gravity of the situation.

She had quitted her job to be with him in the country where he had grown up. They had even met her parents during the previous year's Christmas, which as far as foregone conclusions go, indicates their commitment and love for one another. What went wrong, you'd ask?

Somehow she discovered while she was staying in his country that he is gay. Flummoxed? I am not privy to the nitty-gritty of how and what transpired for her to arrive at this juncture but what I know is that she's back in her country, nursing a mangled heart without any money or job. My dearest friend, my every being goes out to you.

Like her, the overanalytical me would start examining what went wrong. At which particular crossroad did the relationship swerve from its right (or if you must, straight) course? What if she finds out earlier? Would her career be salvaged and her peace of mind healed much quicker? Surely, if she has made the 'right' move, she'd be much happier. Or would she?

I sense the crux of the matter lies in coming to terms with the choices that one will later revisit in the future. Would I be much better off now if I didn't face this problem? Essentially, would a different fork in the road earn a higher happiness quotient?

With a new year on my mind, the theme on past choices and the underlying regrets resurfaced when I came upon this incisive article of similar topic. At a glance, it may look that the author is regurgitating facts that are as commonplace as the little black dress. However, upon close inspection, he proffered a more complete picture to this excess baggage problem, specifically as to why it affects and weighs down some people more than others. This fixation on 'lost possible selves' arises from our varied personality types and how we go about controlling the lingering wisp of regrets.

...Yet it is partly from studies of lost possible selves that psychologists have come to a more complete understanding of how regret molds personality. These studies, in people recently divorced and those caring for a sick child, among others, suggest that it is possible to entertain idealized versions of oneself without being mocked or shamed. And they suggest that doing so may serve an important psychological purpose.

The research also concludes that age is another crucial, determining factor which colours one's perception of life choices.

With age, people apparently detoxified their regrets by reframing them as shared misunderstandings, a retrospective touching-up that in many cases might have been more accurate.

Putting it differently, the ability to rein in one's emotions over previous choices - called 'complexity' - generally corresponds well with aging.

Complexity reflects an ability to incorporate various points of view into a recollection, to vividly describe the circumstances, context and other dimensions. It is the sort of trait that would probably get you killed instantly in a firefight; but in the mental war of attrition through middle age and after, its value only increases.

It echoes our level of maturity in the way of revealing, albeit through a painful process of 'elimination', what really works to make us a better and happier person. Lessons well-learnt, a silver lining's up there, the relapsing optimist in me believe.

Like any other, I have my share of regrets for the choices I had made in the past. Would I be better off working in the XXX? Why didn't I take that offer? Why didn't I tell her off? Yet, when I reexamined this so-called bad choice further, I realise that I'd not be where I am today if it were not for that supposed misstep. For all I know, even the slightest move from that chosen path would have grave consequences!

In Islam, we believe in the concept of qada' and qadar (predestination), which encompasses, among others, that only God has the exclusive knowledge of our respective 'final' destiny, our deeds work towards changing our ever dynamic destiny and that our supplication helps in averting disaster. Therefore, for us to reap the rewards of an eternal happiness with Him, we must remember Allah for all seasons. "... it must also be realised that Allah is not to be visited only when in need, just like a person who uses a toilet (in an emergency). If you remember Allah, Allah will always remember you."

In a broader sense, as long as we strive to do better and improve ourselves, we won't have time to toy with the ideas of second chances, the existence of parallel universe or worse, doppelgänger. We are too busy having a life and being grateful for what we have.

As for my friend, I may have been dumbstruck when you dropped the news on me. Despite wanting to spare you the cliches that you loathe to hear, I'll take the risk anyway and quote a corny line: It's no use crying over spilled milk. When left unattended, in a few days, the milk will emit the foulest of smells. So, instead of letting the odour permeate your space, why don't you wipe the surface clean and buy a new bottle/carton of milk?

Take great care my kindred spirit.

* About three years if you count the not-so-serious phase.