You And I Both

Kak Teh's entry and suggestion inspired me to proffer the following coming-of-age tale.

Once there was a girl who, despite her academic accomplishments, was unsure of herself, carrying a heavy baggage containing low self-esteem, identity crisis, family strife and a dollop of adolescent pangs.

After SPM results came out and going for numerous company interviews for a tertiary scholarship, she at last settled for a scholarship with a government affliate which entailed flying to California for a one-year college preparatory programme.

Notwithstanding the numbness she felt, she still boarded the plane to Los Angeles to start a new chapter in her lives - to study and come back to Malaysia with an impressive degree from a top-notch university.

Independence and solitude are two concepts alien to her eighteen-year-old stature, being close to her maternal family and surrounded by siblings of, more or less, the same age. In fact, the numbness gave way to a broken dam of what seems like unending tears, engulfed by loneliness, grappling with living in close quarters with total strangers (other Malaysian peers in the same group) and mostly, adapting to being on her own for the first time.

The difficulty of settling in was compounded by the fact that the other girls often misunderstood her klutzy and rough-around-the-edges ways. She didn't quite fit in, preferring instead to always stay at the fringes. An frigid onlooker, a taciturn observer.

Two weeks after her arrival, another group of all male Malaysian students from another sponsoring company appeared on campus. The 10 of them introduced themselves to us and due to the disparity in scholarship entitlements, factions naturally formed thereafter.

She still remembers him coming into the classroom with a warm smile on his lips. Back then, he's rather small-framed compared to her tallish, big-boned physique. Being the only one hailing from East Malaysia, he initially had trouble adapting to the other Malaysians particularly the loutish males. Like her, he had never ventured outside his home turf, save for those short, very rare trips to KL for shopping.

She couldn't really identify the exact catalyst that stirred their close bond but she vaguely recalls it was somewhat attributed to the friendships they had both cultivated with the other two 'non-conformists' in the 30-odd group. Eventually, one found a boyfriend (or was it the boyfriend found her?) and the other openly gay guy was preoccupied with his own soul-searching (and not to mention, man-hunting:) ).

With more free time just with each other, they instantly hit it off, chatting about everything under the sun both figuratively and literally sitting lazily under a verdant carpet of grass. They would hike along the abandoned railroad tracks in that small college town in California that led them to the town center with its one and only mall and a 'strip mall' comprising affordable eateries and retail stores.

They were like the best of friends - even like a brother and a sister then - reading books under a big canopy of a tree on the campus quad, teasing one another with friendly banters and cheering up the other when he/she was feeling down.

The delicate balance of their friendship was put under scrutiny by others, especially the other girls, who began inquiring the presence of any romantic inkling. Stunned by the suggestions, she pondered the likelihood of a serious attachment. Can it be? She was fond of him and enjoyed his company immensely but would a declaration of love destroy their friendship?

After replaying over and over again in her head the great moments they spent together, she warmed up to the idea of a romantic pursuit. But it came with risks, most importantly the potential loss of a friend. As such, the inexperienced, naive her decided to tread the matter with caution.

However, her newfound feelings betrayed her through the expectations normally reserved to a boyfriend, thus causing her pain and heartache. At times, she tried to conceal her emotions behind a facade of sarcasms and callous remarks, a trademark of a Sagittarian's foot-in-the-mouth disease (hey, an easy cop-out!).

There were times when she thought she had caught a meaningful glint in his eyes, but she resumed to play it safe by beating around the bush on the off-chance, he might get the drift. Unfortunately, it came to no avail for he was either dense or afraid of losing their friendship. (She later found out it was the latter)

Their one-year stint in California ended abruptly without a closure on their questionable status. They went their separate ways, choosing different states in the good old US of A to pursue a Bachelors Degree in their selected majors. However, fate intervened as their college towns turned out to be relatively close to one another. They remained in close contact.

In spite of that however, circumstances which prevailed during the course of four years, did not work to their advantage. Needless to say, apart from the demanding academic loads, they value their friendship above and beyond exploring the possibilities of a romantic attachment.

To make an already long story short, it was only after joining the corporate world that a serious relationship developed. They had found their bearings now and were able to juggle romance alongwith other yuppie-orientated matters. Or so they thought.

Like a self-fulfilling prophecy turned really bitter, their transitioning from friends to lovers proved to be a difficulty, beyond both their imagination. Mired by a set of expectations, flaring egos and meddlesome third parties, they decided to call the whole thing off, but not without the consequent hurtful emotions.

As the oft-cited Malay adage "Takkan lari gunung dikejar" goes (or for the diehard romantics, "The course of true love is never smooth"), they were reunited three years later, thanks in part to the help of mindful sibling and friends :). Despite the span of time and distance between them, both confessed that the other was always in his/her mind.

After two years of marriage, they remain thankful to Allah for bringing them together, despite of and because of the countless obstacles they had to jump.

On the eve of much-hyped Valentine's Day, out of the blue, he asked her "When did you know that you've met THE person?" To which, she empathically replied "Back in California," And he said "Me too," flashing her that winsome smile again.

And that was the best present ever I could ask for 'Hari Kekasih'.

note: comics taken from Kim and Stefano Casali's 'Love Is' series