Introspection on a Beclouded Day

additions in italics

Grey sky blanketed our provincial backdrop as it would characteristically acquit itself at this time of the year. Save for the yapping siren of an ambulance in the distance, everything else was deafeningly silent.

Sadia just fell asleep for her mid-morning nap. As I gazed at the skylights overhead, knowing quite well of the dismal prospect for a sunny turn-around, I imagined myself on a chaise lounge by the seaside reading a page-turner of a novel taking in the magnificent blue-sky vista in front of me.

Thoughts over the azure horizon harked back to those carefree days in sunshiny California where fragrant sweet-smelling oranges always pervaded the crisp air. My mind then wandered pensively on the series of events that had occurred in the last decade or so.

My husband – the rational and logic-driven half of the equation – is a firm believer that some friendships run its course. On the other hand, being sentimental and histrionic in nature, I had refused to comprehend his reason for uttering such aphorism. In time, however, I understood where he was coming from.

Contemplation over sunny days, friendship and the past decade instantly brought me down the memory lane to a time when I attended a one-year college preparatory program in a quaint town in California. The program involved 30 eighteen-year-old Malaysians from various government, semi-government and private (oil) company sponsorships. I still couldn’t believe we were that young when we embarked on a new chapter in our lives. In reality, we were a bunch of wide-eyed teenagers, still developing our principles, discovering our moral compass and searching for our own place in this world.

With 21 guys and nine girls, the likelihood that some of them winding up as couples were high. At least, that was my deduction for the other girls but not for me. As forecast, I recall there being seven couples, excluding my ‘case’ since we remained ‘just friends’ back then. As for the other girl, she was more into Afro-American dudes ;-). Of the seven mentioned, only three ended up in matrimony while others broke up during college or after college.

Living away from your family for the very first time on a foreign soil has its share of pain, heartaches, joy and triumphs. Clashes of personality and juggling different facets of life with housemates and studies were some of the predicaments which befell me. Some people got territorial while others imposed their value systems on you, whether you like or not. At that age, peer pressures to conform and the desire to be accepted – sometime at any cost - were rife. If you are unfortunate, your self-identity might get swept away under the maelstrom of frustration, misguidance, and worst of all, substance abuse.

On a personal level, the most difficult aspect of adjusting was being alone. Always ensconced in the safety of my family home and inundated by familial truths had its repercussions. I didn’t like having to fend for myself, figuring out my ethical code and far more importantly, trying to suss out the nuances of other people’s chatter and behavior. In the past, I experienced a hard time achieving the right balance in the delicate art of ‘social interaction.’ I attributed it to my awkwardness and lack of tact in dealing with those outside my family circle. In essence, I didn’t want to grow up and assume responsibilities and consequences for my actions. Yet, amid the chaos, acclimatization and inner struggle, a few kind souls offered a helping hand and soothing companionship that were a God-sent! Of these, a small number turned into meaningful friendships with the rest appeared out of happenstance and disappeared thereafter without a single trace.

Now, looking back, the journey to self-discovery is far better when maneuvered on your own. Yes, you will experience the greatest of agony but you will also come out of the shambles stronger and wiser. Also, along the way of attaining personal growth, you are bound to relapse in your judgment and suffer grave consequences. You might lose a friend or two as a result or realize that you are no longer, for a variety of reasons, on the same frequency with old friends. Bearing this evolution in mind, I now know why some (former) friends continue to ‘haunt’ you with what-ifs whereas others simply vanish from your passing fancy.

Of course, at 30-odd years old, it is safe to say many areas are still in great need for improvement and weeding out. With a new maternal role added to the fold, I find myself slowly letting go of certain hang-ups and prioritizing my baby’s welfare, above all others (after hubby gave the greenlight, that is :-) ).

In the interest of preserving their privacy, I’d like to thank these 29 individuals (hubby likewise) for being a crucial part of my post-adolescent life. We may not be in speaking terms anymore, or treading on another’s path anytime soon, but for a fleeting moment – as picturesque and idyllic as the cerulean sky of the sea under which we gathered for a fond farewell – I’d like to think of us all as being the best of friends.