Parenthood 101

A long discussion with my husband the other day engenders new feelings about being a mother. Or precisely it encapsulates a defining moment on parenthood. The feelings were there, I suppose, just latent and waiting for the right stimulus to bring them up to the surface.

Whenever I look at Sadia sleeping soundly on her tiny little mattress, I liken her to a blank canvas, eager to be imbued with many different colors representative of experiences, values and ideas that she will absorb in her lifetime. How the finished painting will look like depends largely to the kind of parents she live with.

This leads me to another question: Is our parenting style shaped by our own upbringing? In the course of being a parent, are our actions colored by what we were exposed and conditioned to as children? For instance, if our mother is never close to her father, will we turn out to be the same? Or in terms of personality, if our father is a womanizer, will we grow up to think it’s fine to have affairs? In the same vein, if our mother smokes, will we too follow suit?

To some extent, I believe, there are truths to these various statements. But when we, as children, see the pains and shortcomings that come with a particular behavior or event revolving our parents, we will resolve to do the opposite. It’s akin to a defense mechanism against those that challenge our loved ones or set of ideals.

I truly come to a realization that day – my own kid will take cues from what she sees and listens. Our behaviors, belief system and principles significantly affect the kind of person our child will turn out to be.

And if the choices that we’d made fall below our own expectation s, how we ensure that our kid doesn’t make the same mistakes? For example, if we are not close to our siblings, what sort of values must we instill to our children so as to make sure similar scenario won’t happen? Like the oft-cited Malay saying goes, “Meluntur buluh biar dari rebungnya,” which more or less, means “To change a person, we must do so from infancy.” This adage originates from the belief that it’s quite difficult to change when we’re adults since we are already set in our ways. Echoing my earlier statement on children’s keen observation on their parents’ behavior, I solely believe a person, given the circumstances and wisdom of age, can change. Maybe I’m just being idealistic.

Every parent wants the best for his or her children, no matter how long the hurdle and impossible the task. However, due to the subjectivity of what ‘best’ means and entails, one must exercise great caution in playing parent, and face each situation with a pinch of salt. Always follow your gut instinct. And in case of doubt, do seek help and opinion from an experienced, respected parent. But do impose a caveat on yourself – nobody’s perfect, even a parent. Therefore, have your intuition handy to fall back on if your parenting model couldn’t come up with satisfactory enough answers.

Growing up I always think my mother is right. I respected her words, her actions, and her opinions. She was an epitome of what is right and just. But as I grew older and formed my own opinions, I realize she is not always right. I even surprised myself by coming to this deduction. The security of her wisdom evaporates from my thought slowly but surely. At first, I was perturbed by the discovery of my mom’s culpability, but as time goes by, the discomfort gives way to tolerance.

As adults, we now agree to disagree on certain issues and no matter how grave the crises, I always respect her as my mother – the person who nurtured, raised and comforted me. She was always there when I needed her. I find that by dehumanizing my mother – not putting her on a pedestal – I get to know her better as a person with her own set of quirks and foibles.

I would want my child to be close to my husband and me. I’m not close to my dad so I want to remedy that with my kid – making sure all lines of communication are open to air out her grievances and complaints, if any, and to share her enthusiasm and spunk with us.

Being a parent is not easy – a gigantic feat to carry – to be an accountable role model whose values are espoused by your children. My husband and I ended our discourse by reaching an obvious yet far-reaching conclusion. We just become the “best” versions of ourselves to our children so that they will gladly imprint our ethics and principles into the core of their being. Add a dollop of faith and walla! God willing, our children will turn out alright.