What makes a friendship last forever? Perhaps forever connotes a moment too protracted to bear or conjure. In that case, let me rephrase myself, what makes a friendship endure? Endure seems more reasonable especially in this materialistic and solipsistical day and age.
To sufficiently answer that question, I should start off with a more fundamental question: WHAT MAKETH A FRIEND? Is it his or her endearing, cool persona to look up to? Or is it the meshing of great personality traits? Or conversely, is it the attraction of opposite attributes? Is it common interests and shared goals in life? Is it similar worldview and adherence to the same moral codes? Is it coming from compatible social backgrounds and practicing and conforming to the same social mores? Many such variables come to mind in mixing the right ingredients that transforms a person into a worthy confidante.
Being over 30, friendships have become a valuable commodity to me. Something that I truly cherish. By the time we hit the big 3-0, we have, more often than not, grown professionally, spiritually, emotionally, and cerebrally (but hopefully NOT physically). Hence, our mode of thinking has set in and influences our choices in life. Such evolution is also carried through a person’s relationship with other people, be it family, friends or acquaintances. In the case of making friends, the divergence or convergence of ideas impacts profoundly what makes or breaks a friendship. Also, our cumulative set of experiences, mentality and philosophies will compel us to decide whether a friendship is worth saving, and should I add, long-lasting.
In my mind’s eye, I always hope for some friendships that I’ve formed over the years to withstand the test of time. However, friendship needs to be nourished, nurtured and reciprocated to be a successful one. Someone once told me that a friendship invariably endures when we look at the experiences the two persons have gone together. Her words of wisdom however fail to hold water if the so-called friendship lacks trust in the first place – an essential requisite to any form of relationships. And what happened if the much touted trust is inadvertently betrayed? Should that friend be given a second chance to prove and absolve herself? Perhaps this problem would never arise if one returns to the fundamental theme of what MAKETH a friend? If your expectations of a friend (open with you, trust your judgments, etc) do not correlate to the other person’s personal attributes, the shaky foundation of your perceived friendship will definitely crumble to the ground. Unless of course, BOTH parties want the friendship to be salvaged, then they have to restore the right balance and adjust the rose-tinted perspective of one another.
Maybe the word ‘friend’ should appropriately be used with a suitable adjective that fits different occasion or situation – casual friend, male friend, gay friend, high school friend, ex-friend. Speaking of ex-friends, I was once (and never again) a hapless friend being dropped off at a toll plaza in Klang by a so-called friend owing to the fact I couldn’t satisfactorily accommodate to her erratic, insane behavior. Apparently, being anal about time management and inflexibility in changing plans were good enough reasons for her to abandon me (and our 8 years of friendship) at a toll plaza.
Luckily for me, a kind taxi driver whisked to my rescue and sent me home (Shah Alam was home then). Lessons well-learnt with regards to friendship: (1) I was too scared for my life to stand up for myself back then; (2) A friendship is two-way street – I cannot be the only one accommodating to her needs, she has to cater to mine as well; (3) A friend who doesn’t own up to her mistakes is not for keeps; (4) I should never sell myself short for a friend who doesn’t appreciate me.
As a 31-year old woman with her own hang-ups and set of baggages, I’d have to say that an enduring friendship is one that hinges on trust, mutual respect – of privacy, interest and space – and shared passion. More importantly, that essential yet inexplicable magical ‘connection’ must exist in order for the friendship to rise above the heartaches, the turmoil and the roller-coaster ride of life.
To sufficiently answer that question, I should start off with a more fundamental question: WHAT MAKETH A FRIEND? Is it his or her endearing, cool persona to look up to? Or is it the meshing of great personality traits? Or conversely, is it the attraction of opposite attributes? Is it common interests and shared goals in life? Is it similar worldview and adherence to the same moral codes? Is it coming from compatible social backgrounds and practicing and conforming to the same social mores? Many such variables come to mind in mixing the right ingredients that transforms a person into a worthy confidante.
Being over 30, friendships have become a valuable commodity to me. Something that I truly cherish. By the time we hit the big 3-0, we have, more often than not, grown professionally, spiritually, emotionally, and cerebrally (but hopefully NOT physically). Hence, our mode of thinking has set in and influences our choices in life. Such evolution is also carried through a person’s relationship with other people, be it family, friends or acquaintances. In the case of making friends, the divergence or convergence of ideas impacts profoundly what makes or breaks a friendship. Also, our cumulative set of experiences, mentality and philosophies will compel us to decide whether a friendship is worth saving, and should I add, long-lasting.
In my mind’s eye, I always hope for some friendships that I’ve formed over the years to withstand the test of time. However, friendship needs to be nourished, nurtured and reciprocated to be a successful one. Someone once told me that a friendship invariably endures when we look at the experiences the two persons have gone together. Her words of wisdom however fail to hold water if the so-called friendship lacks trust in the first place – an essential requisite to any form of relationships. And what happened if the much touted trust is inadvertently betrayed? Should that friend be given a second chance to prove and absolve herself? Perhaps this problem would never arise if one returns to the fundamental theme of what MAKETH a friend? If your expectations of a friend (open with you, trust your judgments, etc) do not correlate to the other person’s personal attributes, the shaky foundation of your perceived friendship will definitely crumble to the ground. Unless of course, BOTH parties want the friendship to be salvaged, then they have to restore the right balance and adjust the rose-tinted perspective of one another.
Maybe the word ‘friend’ should appropriately be used with a suitable adjective that fits different occasion or situation – casual friend, male friend, gay friend, high school friend, ex-friend. Speaking of ex-friends, I was once (and never again) a hapless friend being dropped off at a toll plaza in Klang by a so-called friend owing to the fact I couldn’t satisfactorily accommodate to her erratic, insane behavior. Apparently, being anal about time management and inflexibility in changing plans were good enough reasons for her to abandon me (and our 8 years of friendship) at a toll plaza.
Luckily for me, a kind taxi driver whisked to my rescue and sent me home (Shah Alam was home then). Lessons well-learnt with regards to friendship: (1) I was too scared for my life to stand up for myself back then; (2) A friendship is two-way street – I cannot be the only one accommodating to her needs, she has to cater to mine as well; (3) A friend who doesn’t own up to her mistakes is not for keeps; (4) I should never sell myself short for a friend who doesn’t appreciate me.
As a 31-year old woman with her own hang-ups and set of baggages, I’d have to say that an enduring friendship is one that hinges on trust, mutual respect – of privacy, interest and space – and shared passion. More importantly, that essential yet inexplicable magical ‘connection’ must exist in order for the friendship to rise above the heartaches, the turmoil and the roller-coaster ride of life.
1 comment:
Rizal replies to Tita's blog on friendship in the 3rd person. As her read and absorbed her myriad ideas on the subject he began naturally to re-examine his relationships with past and current friends in the context of the notion of friendship as described by Tita's thoughts. Friendship is best exemplified by "comfortable silence." That is you know you're good friends with someone when you can just simply spend time together just sitting doing nothing - one could be simply leafing through a magazine and the other sipping tea looking at the falling rain - but the silence between them is so pure, so comforting - rendering conversation unnecessary. That's when friendship is at that requisite level.
Many more things Rizal would like to say to Tita - but let it best be in private via e-mail.....
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