Every Breath You Take, Every Move You Make

Taking a short breather from my Paris write-up

That familiar ditty could have painful consequences.....

Someone close to me recently intimated that she is being stalked by someone whom she had known through work. She even found out the existence of an online dedication for her in which the names of her family members were also mentioned. And how he ranted and raved that they are meant for one another.

How icky is that? In my book, that is the most eerie, not to mention despicable, thing a human being can do to another.

My mind wandered as to the reasons for this turn of event. Did she act in a way that led him on? Or did he pick up signals that were wrongly construed as reciprocating? Whatever the explanation is, hounding someone is an aberrant behaviour that needs to be 'properly' addressed.

So what possess one to switch on his or her stalking mode? What are the motivations behind their skewed perception on reality? What are the trigger points that culminate in this sordid manifestation?

In my opinion, all of us, to some degree or another, have experienced (or would be experiencing) either being stalked or being a stalker. Don't get me wrong. There are various gradations to being a stalker. Some are almost innocuous - asking for autographs of a favourite celebrity - whilst others take a life of their own. The thoughts of stalking that someone consume them. And when provoked, they could become physically violent and insistent. God forbid.

Probably, a different word should be used for harmless fondness for a certain someone as opposed to the negative connotation that associates with stalking.

(Speaking of celebrity, I think I saw Yusri of KRU strolling along one of Delft's canals in the early parts of July with his mother and other relatives. His matte complexion was unmistakable. Haha. I could be wrong but then you have to ask his publicist to confirm my sighting ;D And NO, I'm NOT a fan)

On a more serious note however, excessively obsessing about someone translates into the most dangerous of stalking. Putting it another way, when a person says No, it still means No. The finality of such word might be too much to swallow for the receiving party. Why is he or she dissing me?

The fact of the matter is the person has explained again and again his or her situation which clearly exclude any romantic inclination whatsoever. But the receiving party wouldn't listen. Refuse to hear a word of it.

My homegirl's incident calls to mind my two personal accounts with stalkers. I will now divulge them in a descending chronological order.

First. At one of my former workplaces, I unusually let off my guard and became chummy with a clerical officer whom I had later discovered liked me more than just friends. He seemed like a nice chap - timid and soft-spoken. Thus, it was a comfortable feeling talking (or emailing) with him. It's almost.....brotherly-like. When I slowly detached myself from the friendship - lest he harboured other ideas - he became insistent and demanded an explanation. Of course, the word 'Friends' cropped up in my reply to which he declined to comply. In other words, the M.O. he engaged in ran counter to my wishes. I was not amused at all and impetuously pulled the plug. From thereon, he'd suddenly appear at a nearby cubicle trying to get a glimpse of me and when I turned around to look back at him, he'd avert my gaze or leave the area. Or when I went to pray at a makeshift surau inside the office space, he would be in the vicinity. Else, I would come out of the surau and he would be busy 'looking' for files in the adjoining back room. Creepy!

I was scared out of my wits for this invasion of my privacy and personal space. I over-reacted which gave an advantage to the enemy. When the realisation hit me that my immature response would only beget more trouble, I changed my tactics and acted normally when he's around. Ignorance is bliss. Such a wonderful truism to live by. In the end however, the deranged pursuit slowly fizzled as soon as I got another job offer and another possible and willing female entered the scene (probably due more to the latter ;) ).

Second. During junior year in college, I was informed by the Malaysian Student Department ('MSD') in Chicago that someone pursuing a Masters degree would be attending a university relatively close to mine and he would like to be in contact with Malaysians in the area. Since I was in constant contact with my MSD officer - mostly for claims purposes - he gave my name to this guy. I readily complied with my officer's request and hosted him when he first arrived in town. As it turned out, his university is quite far by public transport and he put up a night at the apartment below mine where two Malaysian males lived. I also went to the trouble of cooking for him because (a) it was the fasting month, (b) he was away from home for the first time and, (c) that's the least I could do as a hostess. Big Mistake. He ended up praising me in the oddest way, "Your cooking is so delicious; it tastes like someone who's already married". What the heck!

Those strange comments followed me the next day when I showed him around the college town's flagship mall (who am I kidding - it IS the only HAPPENING mall for miles!). Something is off with this guy, and to make matters worse, he has this most annoying laugh. With a huge sigh of relief, he left for his university but kept on calling me over the phone. I know he must be lonely but I didn't care at all for those corny pick-up lines and constant compliments. The whole 'affair' was suffocating.

He wanted to see me to go out for coffee and the like. I continued to be evasive, saying I'm busy and the like, hoping that he'd get the hint. And when he came to town, I'd escape to the university library or visit a friend on campus. Sometimes, I'd just take leave from my apartment and stayed on campus with a friend or a Malaysian junior as it would save me the hassle of entertaining his phone calls.

One scary incident took place one day when a 'buzz' on the apartment door alerting me of a visitor. I went out of my front door to take a peak at the apartment complex's double door in order to discern who it was. There was a small glass opening next to the double door which enabled one to look straight into my apartment's door, and vice-versa. Lo and behold, it was him! He probably saw my back as I turned quickly into my apartment. Afterwards, I heard a series of knocks on my door. Someone had probably come out the double door and inadvertently let him in. The knocking was persistent. I was home alone as my roommate was not in. I ended up calling someone on the phone to keep me company since I was so petrified. What if he became forceful and climbed the balcony? I couldn't even begin to imagine the scenario.

Fortunately, he left after what felt like an eternity. Like a loon, I doublechecked the balcony and peered out my bedroom's window onto the streets outside. Ever since that incident, I would always exclude myself from attending any gathering where he'd likely appear.

The following year - senior year - our paths crossed again when that same Malaysian males' apartment hosted a Do for Raya. He was invited, much to my chagrin. But to my delightful surprise, he brought along his wife and two kids! His family finally joined him that year. In fact, he acted sheepishly in front of the wifey, his eyes darted here and there as if waiting for some kind of retribution to fall on his head. It was Raya and I was not in the mood to spoil anyone's fun - even if he is a two-timing low-life excuse of a man!

10 years on, I had thought I would hear or see the last of him. Correction: a spectre of him. When our national songstress, Siti Nurhaliza announced her marriage plans, his image came back to haunt me. Probably haunt is such a harsh word. To poke fun at, is more appropriate. My stalker is a spitting image of Siti's intended! Therefore, suffice to say, whenever I look at this Datuk, I would always be reminded of one lecherous East Malaysian dude. Although I have an affinity for East Malaysian men (I'm married to one :) ), I'd gladly avoid the 40-year-old variety! And most probably not one from Sabah! LOL!

In the final analysis, while stalking is never a fun ordeal to go through, one should always remember that spiralling into your fear of a stalker will only exacerbate the situation and embolden his resolve. Have a close and reliable circle of friends and family members to support you in time of need and to quell your feeling of dread. (Having an uncle in the police force works a host of wonders) Lastly, turning a blind eye will save you the unnecessary headaches!

Take care dearest.